Growing up gay can be a very lonely experience. Fortunately things are not as bad today as they were in the 70's when I was at school. I attended an all boys boarding school. At the time there were no positive role models for gay people-- most gays were firmly in the closet. We were told daily that homosexuality was a sin.. Nobody spoke about it except as an insult. Those kids who didn't fit in to the prevailing culture of machoism were labelled as "moffs" whether they were or not. This was the worst insult possible.I was labelled a "moff" because I played the piano and took part in plays rather than rugby. No-one wanted to be labelled gay-- so we grew up pretending to be someone else. We were not allowed to be ourselves- we even came to hate ourselves.
And yet there was a lot of homosexuality going on-- mostly involving teachers seducing the kids. This made being gay seem even more disgusting and perverted to us . These paedophiles were the only role models we had.. We came to think that this is what being gay meant - seducing children. They could get away with it because the whole subject was so taboo --Every one knew about but no one spoke about except in shameful whispers.
Like so many other gay kids I grew up knowing I was gay but believing there was something seriously wrong with me. I looked at other boys with eager desire, but was never allowed to touch or express my feelings. And I was not the only one. When I was about 16 a younger boy made a pass at me. He was a scrappy little loner and someone I'd had my eye on for a long time. He was far from beautiful, with big ears and skew teeth, but there was something about him which attracted me. I'd caught him watching me a number of times. Like me he didn't fit in -a kindred spirit - someone whom in another time and place I could have , should have loved. I was reading the newspaper, which was placed on a shelf on the wall so we had to stand to read it. He came up behind me as though reading over my shoulder. Next thing he slipped his hand into my pocket and whispered "What have you got in there." I would love to have grabbed him and kissed him. This should have been my first kiss. Desire and lust mixed with shame and guilt. Instead of doing what should come naturally I was so convinced that this was wrong I turned and kicked him in the balls. To this day I am still haunted by the look of shock and pain on his face. It was many years before I overcame these feelings and I was in my mid twenties before I ever felt good enough about myself to kiss a man.
The point of this story is not to ask for pity- but that it is such a typical story of gay youth. It shows how we are taught to hate ourselves- to become our own worst enemies. In our teens we should be carefree and learning about ourselves and others- experiencing the joys and pain of first love and learning how to form relationships-- not hiding away in shame. So many of us are deprived of these critical early learning experiences and it takes its toll leaving pain and regret in later years which are hard to confront. As a result many of us have difficulty forming lasting relationships and many turn to alcohol and drugs or even suicide. I myself have faced a long running battle with drug addiction.
This is why I believe it is so important for us to tell our stories and to stand up and proudly proclaim that there is no shame in being gay. As we get older we get to a point where we no longer care what others think. But the youth are profoundly influenced by the attitudes of those around them. To prevent further suffering, shame and even death we need to stand up to those who condemn us, especially our so called leaders- the preachers and teachers and politicians who call it a sin or disease and say " you are responsible for this suffering. The blood of those beaten and murdered for being different is on your hands . We will no longer tolerate you spreading this message of hatred."
Fortunately times are changing and more and more people are learning to accept us as we are, but there are still far too many (perhaps even the majority) who still hate and despise us for no reason. We call on our straight brothers and sisters to stand with us and confront homophobia where ever they encounter it and show the world that the spirit of love and tolerance can and will defeat the voices of hatred and intolerance which aim to destroy us.
