I believe that
there are many pathways to recovery from addiction and that we all have to find
our own path. For myself I found I could
get off heroin easily enough, but I never found a way to stay off it. I tried many different ways: rehab,
medication, iboga, amino acid supplements, different spiritual pathways,
psychology, psychiatry, supposedly less harmful drugs, psychedelics etc. All of
these things worked to varying degrees to alleviate my withdrawals, and to help
me put down the drugs. But they could not keep me clean. I am not saying these things don’t work or are
ineffective: they can no doubt help in the early phases of recovery. And I have
seen them work as long-term solutions for some people. Personally I always
found that no matter how badly I tried or wanted to stay away, I always found
myself back on heroin. The only thing that helps me stay off it in the long
term is participation in the fellowship and the program of the 12 steps.
I do believe
that there are certain essential necessary for recovery, whichever path we
follow. I think connection is the most important of these. We learn to
reconnect with friends, family, life, nature. I believe some kind of spiritual
experience and reconnection with a higher power is essential. A change in attitude
from blaming others for one’s problems and accepting responsibility for one’s
faults. Practising gratitude for what one has. Nurturing the ability to really
listen to others and to learn lessons from others experience has been essential
in my recovery. I always thought that I could only learn from my own
experience. Awareness, honesty, open mindedness, willingness are all essential.
A desire not just to put down the drugs,
but to be a better person. Service towards the still suffering addict, and a
general willingness to reach out and help other helps overcome the selfishness
we learn in active addiction and our morbid obsession with ourselves and our
own problems. Another crucial point for
me Is fellowship with like minded people. It reminds me where I come from and I
can share my problems with people who truly understand me. Make myself
vulnerable, and reaching out to others for help was something I could never to
which is why I always felt alone and different.
The 12 step
program has many critics and it seems the biggest problems they have with the
fellowship is around the concept of powerlessness and the perception of the 12
step program as a religious one. Also there is the idea that NA because teaches
abstinence it is against the use of all drugs. All of these stem, I believe, from misconceptions and misunderstandings.
For me powerlessness means firstly the recognition that I cannot use any mind
or mood altering substances with putting
myself at risk of relapse. But also it means in a more general sense that I
cannot be attached to any particular outcome of any kind. If I engage in any
activity with a particular outcome in mind I will always be disappointed. Life
or god, call it what you will, always gets in the way, things always turn out
differently to the way we expect. I have found that all the fret and worry that
come from expectations not being met and situations not turning out as we would
like is unhelpful and unnecessary. We can only put in the action and leave the
outcome to god/fate/the universe, call it what you will. I have found in most
cases when we stop having expectation and leave the outcome to a higher power
the results actually exceed anything we can possibly imagine.
The 12 step
program also has nothing to do with religion. We encourage people to connect
with a higher power of their own understanding. This, as I understand it, draws
the individuals focus away from himself as the centre of the universe, and the
selfishness of active addiction, with the realization that there is something
bigger than oneself. A higher power can be as simple the group consciousness of
the fellowship. It does not have to be God. I myself believe in the power of
nature and the life energy of the universe. There are atheist and agnostics in
the rooms alongside Christians, Muslims, Hindus and Jews. The program itself
does not teach religion, but rather a spirituality which focusses on
connection.
The 12 step fellowship does not teach that all
drugs are bad, or try and get everyone off drugs. Plenty of people use drugs
and have no problem. In fact many in the fellowship, including myself, support
the unbanning of all drugs, because it then makes greater regulation possible.
What it does teach is that my life became
crazy and unmanageable because of drugs. The problem does not actually lie in the
drugs, they were in fact my solution. Initially
drugs do make life more fun, enable us to handle the problems life
throws at us, feel less alienated, angry, anxious and frustrated. Some people are able to continue taking drugs
in a moderate way throughout their lives without it becoming a problem. The problem then, for me, the addict, is that
I came to rely on this solution, and that I
needed to keep taking more and more drugs to get the same feeling. The
drugs stopped working and I needed to find another solution. For me the program
and the fellowship of the 12 steps is that solution. I know from years of
trying that if I use any mind or mood altering substance I get reminded of the
solution I found in drugs, and I want more.
As for being
always being an addict, I believe I was an addict long before I discovered
drugs. I always want more of everything, never satisfied with what I have. Nearly four years into my recovery I still attend meetings
nearly everyday. Not because I have to
but because I want to and because I owe
my life to the fellowship. I give back by giving an hour of my time everyday to
meet with other people like me, and to carry the message to those still
suffering that, yes, recovery is
possible. So I am still a junky, but now I have a healthy
addiction, one that is not going to kill me or destroy my life.
