Tough Love and recovery

Although tough love worked for me and don’t think it is appropriate for guys on the street, and those that do not have resources to fall back on. I had to get to a point of suffering where I was ready to die rather than carry on using. I had to know nobody would help me as long I continued to use, that my only option would be life on the streets.

As a privileged white South African I had to learn about  pain and suffering, to realise the pain and suffering I was inflicting on others to be able to quit heroin. But life is very different for people on the streets. They know all about pain and suffering. I still had a mother who loved me in spite of it all. I had an education to fall back on. I had friends who were able to get me in to an expensive treatment centre even though I couldn’t afford it. Most of the people on the streets do not have these resources. What they need is not tough love but hope. It doesn’t help to say to the guy on the streets: “Go out and suffer some more, you are not ready.”  It doesnt have to get worse for them to get better, it already as bad as it can be. They are already living at rock bottom.  The next step is death. Most of them have already given up on life. They need compassion, to know people care, to feel that they are worthwhile human beings.

Contrary to popular opinion not all addicted people living on the streets are criminals. I have known a great many who work very hard to support their habits, collecting cans, pushing trolleys, washing cars. I have met some beautiful people who just need someone to give them a chance. I have known guys with incurable sores on the faces, walking around, alone dejected who just through a little friendship and love begin to heal and to blossom. Even those who are still using begin to make connections, care about their health, about themselves, start to believe they can have a better life without drugs. In my experience a person fresh off the streets is unlikely to walk into any fellowship rooms and ask for help. What does work is to take the message of hope to them, not just to tell them to come to meetings, but to spend time with them, teaching them what the fellowship, the steps, and  the message of hope are all about, to build them up, give him friendship, get them off the streets for a little while, so they begins to feel like  worthwhile human beings again. Connection not rock bottom, can, for the person on the street can the first point of entry into recovery.

Hearing the voice of the addicted drug user

For me the crucial line between the addicted user and the non-addicted user, following Bill Wilson, the originator of the 12 step program, is the inability to stop. Wilson wrote: “If anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area, let him try leaving liquor alone for a year. If he is a real alcoholic, there is scant chance of success” “Some will be drunk the day after making their resolution; most of them within a few days.” ( Alcoholics Anonymous p 34). Wilson was writing of alcohol but it is equally true of drugs. This resonates with my own experience with heroin. I lived for in ten years of active addiction with the desperate desire to stop using, but found myself nevertheless using everyday. Over these years I found myself in and out of rehabs, temporarily getting off heroin, but always returned to using after a few days, weeks or months. In my experience and understanding this is the mark of a truly addicted drug user: wanting to stop but not knowing how.

My own  views about addiction and recovery have evolved since beginning this study. At the outset I was a fairly dogmatic believer in the 12 step model of total abstinence and the disease model of addiction. Through my extensive reading for this study and my personal experience with a methadone substitution program run by the Urban Futures Centre, I have discovered that there are many paths to recovery. Abstinence and the 12 step program is still my personal solution, but I have come to realise the value of harm reduction and other approaches. Harm reduction and recovery are often seen by their respective practitioners and supporters as mutually exclusive and antagonistic and they are often, in my experience, hostile to one another.  I believe that they are in fact different pieces of the same puzzle, and have far more in common than differences between them. This position is supported by, amongst others, William L. White, a prominent member of the recovery movement in America.  One of the goals of this study is to find mutual ground between the various approaches and to draw from each what works in practice.  

 My theoretical approach draws largely from the social recovery model as espoused by William White and others. It is also influenced by the writings Bruce Alexander who is famous for the so-called Rat Park experiments. More recently he has developed a socio-political understanding of addiction as resulting from the dislocation and alienation inherent in modern capitalist society.  Today I have come to believe that it is not the individual addicted user that is sick, but our society. Addicted drug users, like other stigmatized and marginalized groups, are the ones who carry the symptoms of the disease. They are despised because they are a constant reminder of the sickness of our society. I believe, however, they are also the ones who carry the cure, like the survivor of a rare virus who carries the antidote to the disease. By listening to them and learning from their life experience we can gain a greater understanding as to why so many people in modern society turn to drugs for their solution.

The voice of the addicted user is largely missing from the literature. An essential part of this study is to explore what addiction and recovery mean to the recovering addicted user, to begin to understand these from lived experiences. As a recovering addicted heroin user myself, I have come to believe that it is critical to have such voices heard if a decent model for dealing with drug use disorders is to be developed and implemented. Addicted drug users, especially those living on the streets, are a highly stigmatised and marginalised community. Their views are seldom heard when it comes to policy making and treatment models that are directed at them. Yet their own experiences and journeys into and out of addicted drug use could provide invaluable insights into the development of more effective treatment programs. The deficit in regards to the missing voices of drug users is even more stark in South African context.  Dos Santos, in her 2008 thesis, (amongst others) draws attention to the scarcity of research in the area of heroin use disorder intervention in South Africa and the desperate need for such research.

Rationale for study on addiction

My interest in addiction and recovery stems from lived experience as an addicted heroin user. I used heroin on and off for nearly 20 years. I found temporary relief from use through various programs, medications systems of belief and psychological interventions. I stopped using at one stage for 4 years, but continued to use alcohol and other drugs. Always I found myself eventualy returning to heroin use. What I came to realise is that drugs and alcohol were always my solution to the inability to deal with the problems and issues life had presented me. As long as I continued to seek out that solution I could never be free of heroin. In order to remain free of heroin I had to avoid all drugs and alcohol. I eventually found another solution in the program and fellowship of  Narcotics Anonymous. I remain an active member of this fellowship. I also do extensive work with addicted heroin users who live on the streets. These are people who do not have access to expensive treatment centres or medication. They are despised and stigmatised, the black sheep of our society and the scapegoats for all that is wrong in the world. Drug users are widely condemned with little understanding of what leads to problematic drug use and addiction.

This study is dedicated to the memory of a boy I knew only by the name of Small. He lived on the streets of Scottburgh and used whoonga ( a cheap form of brown heroin that is usually smoked) from the age of 10. he was a beautiful soul who was always cheerful and smiling no matter how bad his personal circumstances. He always carried a bucket, washing cars and windows around town. Always ready and willing to work , he gave lie to the myth that all heroin addicts are habitual criminals. (You can read his story here.. davidonymous.blogspot.co.za/2016/05/mikes-story.html and here davidonymous.blogspot.co.za/2017/02/the-story-of-mike-latest.html ) I never, in the two years that I was his friend, knew him to steal or commit a crime other than that of smoking heroin, for the comfort it gave him. Yet he was an arch-manipulator, a master story teller and actor of note, always ready with an exaggerated  tale of woe to tug at the strings of the heart and the purse of anyone who would listen. We put him into rehab-- he ran away. We got him medication and sent him home to his family, but the lure of the streets and the life of instant gratification was too strong. Nothing helped. Small eventually succumbed to TB in April 2017. He and others like him taught me gratitude for life and showed me that my own problems, my anger, my fear , my self-pity, which were always my reasons for using heroin were insignificant in the greater scheme of things. They also inspired me with a desire to help people like these, to find out more about what drives people to turn to drugs for their solution and what helps them to recover.

This study was initially inspired by the desire of trying to establish a recovery programme for people who wish to leave addicted heroin use but cannot afford the prohibitive cost involved in existing programs . I had intended to use this study to develop a model for a locally determined program informed by the life experiences of previously addicted users now in recovery. I have realised that this is an enormous undertaking , which may take years to reach fruition and one that is beyond the scope of this study. While this remains a personal goal what this study then intends to achieve is a more modest task of uncovering the common themes in the life stories of previously addicted heroin users: to discover what lead them to use and keep using heroin , and more importantly what factors were significant in helpingthem recover. Hopefully this information then can be taken up by others working in the field and ultimately assist in the formation of an inclusive treatment and recovery model that takes into account local conditions.

My two cents on Inxeba

I Have just seen iNxeba ...here is my two cents....its an incredibly powerful and moving film...it would have to be to arouse such emotion...it has nothing to do with exposing secrets of initiation .. The background is incidental.
A good movie transcends its setting and becomes universal..compare with Deer hunter or Apocalypse now or Platoon...they depict universal themes against the backdrop of the american military. Many people were upset that they showed the american military in a bad light... But they didn't try to get the movie banned or protest against the movie. No one would say to you you have no right to comment on those movies because you never been in the american army.
INxeba is the story of two men who love each other in a time and place when it is not allowed and the tragedy that results from that. I believe that anger at the film has nothing to do with the fact that cultural secrets are being exposed but because it dares show such love in a place which represents the heart of traditional masculinity. It is a universal story set in an African setting It also shows some of the most intimate and shocking images of man on man sex outside of pornography. Another reason it arouses so much anger
It is not a happy story and I agree that with some of my friends that more positive and celebratory stories of African gayness do exist and need to be told. But this story also needed to be told.
I believe this movie puts other movies it has been compared to...like moonlight...to shame and it will go down as a classic of African cinema

The Disease of Addiction

There is much debate about whether addiction is a disease or not. I believe that the disease model is both a useful analogy and far superior to previous models of addiction. However it is my opinion that this disease is located not in the individual but in the society. Addiction along with poverty, war, greed, scarcity, hatred inequality and much else are symptoms of this disease. We as drug users, both in and out of recovery along with the poor, lgbt and trans people, women, indigenous people and all other marginalized and subordinated people are merely the carriers of the symptoms..... That is why we are despised and hated by those in power and supporters of the status quo. Because we are s reminder of just how sick the world has become. However we also carry the cure......

Peter's Story

My name is Peter. I am 21 years old and I am a whoong  addict. I was born in Scottburgh in GJ Crookes. I lived in Amahlongwa mission. When I was small I was staying with my mother and my grandmother. My mother was a big alcoholic. She was drinking so much. She was always coming drunk in the house.  My grandmother didn’t like that, because she was coming shouting all the time, screaming. She didn’t  do the right things everytime because always she was drinking. When I was still small, around 9 years old she left the house and did not come back so I stayed with my grandmother. My father died when I was a small child. I never saw him… never know him.

I have brothers and sisters, but they weren’t  staying in the house. They used to have their own house. They were much older than me. My small sister is staying with us.

  I carry on staying with my grandmother. She is starting to get sick now. She is getting older. She cant do nothing even if she wants to. If she wants to go to the toilet I must help her. If she wants to go to sleep I must help her. I was always the one in the house helping her

I started to go to school in Amahlongwe. The teachers is telling me I’m very good in school. They say I must make sure I’m coming every day to school. The teacher is even buying me a uniform that I can come every time.

When I was about 11 years I start to smoke dagga and cigarettes. Up to that time everything is all right except we don’t  have money. My grandmother is only getting a grant, and from that she must look after me and my sister. Sometimes there is no food, but always I’m making sure I’m in the school. I liked it by the school. I have many friends, but in the house its just me and my sister.

So in grade7 I start to smoke the dagga a lot. I got a friend who was smoking it. He used to say the dagga is making you clever for school. He was in Rossburgh (another school) . His parents were rich they used to give him money everytime.so we meet after school. Sometimes he come early in the morning before school. I’m starting to come late in the school. The teachers start to shout for me. They say I must bring my parents in the school so they can talk to them.  So I told the teacher that my mother doesn’t stay with me, she is staying there in Durban. They let me stay and at the end of the year I passed.

In high school I went to Gugewesizwe in Amandawe. I was learning nice there. I was doing well.. I was playing soccer in the school and running. But I was smoking lots of dagga and soon it is starting to feel  like its not enough for me. Then my grandmother is telling me about my fathers family. My grandfather is staying in Mtwalume. So I find a way where I can meet them. We visit nice. They asked me to come stay there with them. That is my grandfather and my fathers brother and his children  So I wasn’t going to school that time. I got a friend there in Mtwalume . He was the neighbor formy grandfather. He was older than me. I was about 13 but he was about 25  but he look younger so the people they don’t say nothing.  He was smoking the whoonga. His name was Mpiti so its like we have the same name. He taught me how to smoke this thing. He’s chasing it on the foil. At first I am not smoking everyday so Im not getting the rosta. Maybe 2 or3 times a week. So I stayed there maybe 6 months. I was waiting to get my remove from Guguwesizwe so I can go to school in Mtwalume. But then one day they catch me smoking whoonga. So they say I cannot stay there if I’m doing this thing. I must go back in my grannies house. So I go back to Mahlongwa. Now I am not having money to buy whoonga all the time, but if I got some money I buy it. I’m there but I’m not going back in the school. I’m helping my granny in the house.

At the end of that year I go to Umzinto. This is now I am 15. I meet a friend and I stay with him there in the jondolos (shacks). He got a house there. He is pushing the trolleys and pantaring (begging) there in the street. Now I start smoking whoonga all the time. Umzinto is full of people, its easier to make money there. I stay there maybe two years, pushing trolleys, selling fruit by the taxis, pantaring, living in the jondolos.

When I was 17 I went back to stay by my granny in Mahlongwa. My sister and my aunt was now back in the house to look after my granny. They start to talk to much. I’m eating the food, finishing it…They complaining there’s no money. So after a few weeks I went back to Umzinto.

This time I was fighting  with me friend in the house. He was telling me I’m not bringing enough money. He chased me from the house so I went to stay in the streets. There is a place they call the flower hotel. Lots of guys is staying there. All the paras (whoonga addicts). After one year Umzinto is getting too small. There are to many paras. Also the mammas is wanting to give me a hiding because I’m taking fruit to sell and I’m not bringing them the money. So I cant go to the taxi rank. So I walk away from Umzinto and I came to Scottburgh now.

Scottburgh was nice. It was full of white people. They have more money. Some of them don’t like you and chase but some of them they got big hearts.  First I’m not moving on the streets. Im taking stuff there in the back by Checkers and taking it to Amandawe to sell. Checkers is giving away the old food. I did that for about a year but now the paras are working there inside, and they are taking the stuff.  I start coming to do the car guarding and collecting the cans. Me I don’t do bad things. I never went even once to jail. I don’t steal I work for my money. People don’t like paras they think they stealing but me I don’t do that.

Then last year I met these guys from NA and I started to go to meetings. NA has helped me a lot . I used to have sores on my face , to be dirty and walk around not talk to anybody. I used to always be sad, always  thinking what must I do now to make my life better. Maybe it will be like this till I die.  Guys in NA is getting me medicine, is giving me some hope in life. Now I have lots of friends, I feel happy. Even if I am still using, people are talking to me, they want to know me.  They are teaching me something called the steps to help me live right. I am learning that I cant stop by myself, I have to keep going to the meetings. I have to look at the things that are making me to use otherwise I will not stop but go back. Im learning to talk to  God again … I want to learn more about it so I can change more and leave this thing now, get a new life. Me Im still young, I need to stop this thing before I get too old. I cant . because this thing is controlling my life  ..I’m trying to control it but I cant. I want to stop, to get right. I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life.