Thank you, David, my Darling ex Druggie. Thank you for coming clean – literally and figuratively. For coming clean by telling your story the way it is and the way it was and for coming clean from drugs – at long, long last. The truth shall set you free. In fact you have set us all free from the burden of your addiction. And particularly yourself.
I know it has been a long, hard, lonely battle and my heart has ached for you all the years. From the time you were a little boy – for all the abuse we all suffered. You, being the eldest of my three boys, saw too much. We all lived in fear of our lives and particularly you. And so you grew up, always tearful, always frightened – in fact, a broken, beaten and tortured soul. When I was eventually able to get us out of that marriage when you were eleven, you were already deeply scarred. A gifted and intelligent child, you suffered emotionally and socially at school, far beyond the help of psychologists and psychiatrists. I was advised to send you to boarding school – one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I should have held you close, not pushed you away. It would toughen you up, they said, and stop your tears. But it didn’t – it isolated you and it was there, at the age of 13, that you started drinking to drown your sorrows. I was struggling to keep you at boarding school and later at varsity as I had to educate your younger brothers, as a single parent, on my meager teaching salary and getting no maintenance at all.
Dropping out of varsity you went off to Hillbrow, Johannesburg, managing to support yourself at first. Later you were asking for money which you assured us was for food, clothes and rent but it was, unbeknown to us, for heroin. (By this time I had married your wonderfully supportive stepdad). Some years later, you returned to our home, thin, wasted, drugged out, hooked. Then followed years of trying to get you right but nothing helped. I felt so guilty for not having rescued you as a little boy and then later for having sent you to boarding school that I did all in my power to make you happy and assure you of my love. And so followed years of trying to get you right but nothing helped, not even going back to varsity, which, we hoped, would give your life a purpose. What a good actor you were (you always enjoyed acting as a child.) You pulled the wool over our eyes, lied, stole, manipulated endlessly – all with a straight face – and ruined us financially. And still we loved you. We always gave in to you but didn’t realize we were actually enabling you. I didn’t want to lose you to suicide as you often threatened and even attempted. The death of your youngest brother in an accident had already broken my heart.
Yet my Darling Boy, from the depth of my heart I forgive you. You have taught me so much. You have taught me about unconditional love. You have taught me that all good things come to those who wait. You have waited a long, long time and you have been rewarded. You have found the right place at the right time. God’s timing is perfect. Thank you Cedars, for giving my boy his life back. You will never know the depth of our gratitude.
Life is full of overcoming and you are indeed overcoming the scourge of your addiction. At last, my darling David, I can say, with real meaning, that I am proud of you. Although you have nothing – all the years we have had you living in our home, supplied your food and clothing (which you always sold for drugs) cellphones ditto – in fact, you don’t even own the shoes you stand up in, you are prepared to start at the very bottom. And so, my clean for 6 months, three and a half degreed (B.A./ Honours (Cum Laude albeit drugged) / Masters and on the way to your Doctorate executive motor vehicle observer (car guard) I am now truly proud of you. Your ever-loving and devoted Mom
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